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Part 145 - Jokes , Fun , Haasya , Humor , Quotes , Greetings

पति: संसार की सभी औरतें चुड़ैल ही होती हैं।

पत्नी गुस्से में, "आपका मतलब मैं भी चुड़ैल हूँ?" 
पति: अरे नहीं, तुम तो रानी हो। पत्नी गले लगते हुए बोली, "सच में मैं रानी हूँ?" पति: हाँ, उन सब की। 😜😜😀😀😜😜😀😀

*********

*गुलजार साहब की एक सुंदर कविता*

जिन्दगी की दौड़ में,
तजुर्बा कच्चा ही रह गया...।
हम सीख न पाये 'फरेब'
और दिल बच्चा ही रह गया...।
बचपन में जहां चाहा हँस लेते थे,
जहां चाहा रो लेते थे...।
पर अब मुस्कान को तमीज़ चाहिए
और आंसुओ को तन्हाई..।
हम भी मुस्कराते थे कभी बेपरवाह अन्दाज़ से...
देखा है आज खुद को कुछ पुरानी तस्वीरों में ..।
चलो मुस्कुराने की वजह ढुंढते हैं...
तुम हमें ढुंढो...हम तुम्हे ढुंढते हैं .....!!

*********

A Man opened his Wife's closet of clothes.
It was lined with Sarees that she had worn just once, may be twice. There were others that had been kept away unused, waiting for a special occasion.

He opened her Jewellery Box. It was neatly packed with necklaces and earrings that had not been worn for so long that he had even forgotten that she had them. There were rings and bracelets that she had cherished with care.

There were old bangles that his Mother had given to her. They too, lay packed in silken pouches all for a Special Occasion.

He moved to the crockery closet in their dining room. Rows of crystal glasses and expensive chinaware, stared at him sadly.
The silver cutlery set that he had bought her still lay in its suede jacket, waiting for a special occasion. There were so many Souvenirs around the House that stared gloomily at him.
He looked at his beloved Wife's Picture hanging on the wall, garlanded with freshly strung Jasmine flowers.

He had performed her last rites just yesterday. She had passed away, after a prolonged and painful illness.

All the things that she had bought, with so much fervour, but never got to use, hit him like arrows. He was full of regret.
Why had she not worn those lovely Sarees?

Why had she spent her life scrimping and scraping for the tomorrow that she never woke up to?

Why had they not dined in their silver and crystal?

No one is as Special as you and your Family.
No moment or occasion is as special as NOW.

There is surely a lot of sense in saving for a rainy day, but at the same time we must learn to live in the present. Live life to the fullest and don't worry about the next day, it's already tomorrow in Australia!

*Past is History*; 
*Future is a Mystery*
*Today is a Gift from God* that is why it is called the *‘Present!'*

*********

Judge : Why do you want divorce?
My wife asks me to peel off Garlic, cut Onions, wash utensils. 
Judge: What's the problem in this? Just warm up the Garlic, it will be easy to peel it. Before cutting Onions just chill them in the refrigerator and then while cutting them the eyes won't burn. Before washing utensils just immerse them in water tub for 10 minutes , they can be easily washed. 
Before washing clothes in Surf, soak them in water for half an hour , all the stains will go away and even hands won't get tired. 
Petitioner: Understood Your honour. Please return my petition. 
Judge: What have you understood?
Petitioner: That your condition is worse than mine. 
😄😄😄😊😊😊😃😃😃

*********

एक दुकानदार एक महिला को 
कपड़े दिखा-दिखा कर थक गया।
.
अंत में अपने गुस्से पर काबू रखते हुए बोला:
.
अफसोस है कि 
आपको कुछ पसंद नहीं करवा पाया।
.
औरत: कोई बात नहीं। 
मैं तो वैसे भी सब्जी लेने निकली थी।आपका एसी देखकर रुक गयी
😜😝😜😳😣😝

*********

*Biwi,  Boss aur Modi*
In teeno me kya Common hai?
.
.
.

Teeno sirf apne *MAN KI BAAT* kehte hai.

Hamari to sunte hi nahi...😲😂😂

*********

To understand your true nature, you must do three things: Bend the body, mend the senses and end the mind. ‘Bend the body’ is to not allow the ego to develop within you. Perform all duties sincerely with humility. ‘Mend the senses’ requires you to examine how your senses behave; whether they are tending to go astray, and correcting and restraining them appropriately when they do so. ‘End the mind’ requires you to quieten the vagaries of your mind. How? For example, there is a lock and key. When the key is turned towards the left, the lock is locked. If the key is turned to the right, the lock is opened. The key is the same, difference in turning causes locking and unlocking. In you, your heart is the lock and mind is your key. Turn your mind towards God, your heart develops detachment. Turn your mind towards the world, it becomes attached. End the mind, means, turning your mind Godward

*********

Ever since Pedro was a child, he had a fear of someone under his bed at night. So he went to a Psychiatrist and told him, "I've got problems. Every time I go to bed I think there's somebody under it.  I'm scared.  I think I'm going crazy." 
  
"Just put yourself in my hands for one year", said the psychiatrist. "Come talk to me three times a week and we should be able to get rid of those fears." 
  
"How much do you charge?" 
  
'$200 per visit,' replied the doctor.     
  
'I'll sleep on it and if needed I will come back to you,' Pedro said. 
  
Six months later he met the Psychiatrist on the street.     
 
'Why didn't you come to see me about those fears you were having?' he asked.   
  
'Well, $200 a visit three times a week for a year is an awful lot of money! A Punjabi friend of mine cured me for the price of one dinner and a bottle of single malt. I was so happy to have saved all that money that I went and bought myself a new SUV".   
  
'Is that so!' With a bit of an attitude he said, 'and how, may I ask, did the friend cure you?'   
  
He told me to "saw off the legs of the bed - There is nobody under the bed now!"

*********

PIW - Parent Induced Wastefulness*

Please read through .. this is absolutely TRUE in today's world.. Don't take it easy!

When parents strive to give their children the best of everything at an early age, they are sowing seeds for materially insatiable monsters that are prone to sloth, apathy, avarice and fear.

Don’t stand in self- defense as yet. I have proof. 

As I sit in my counselor’s chair day after day I encounter an altogether a new disorder that I have come to label as- *Parent Induced Wastefulness* (PIW).

Here are a few examples:

26-year-old Manas does not want to finish his Engineering degree because he does not ‘feel like’ studying. 
But he harasses his parents every day for money. 
He tells me that whenever he did not feel like doing any particular activity, his parents told him he can quit. 
They always said they did not want him to get ‘stressed’ like they were when growing up.

34-year-old Raghav is a qualified Engineer and is married for 2 years but his wife is not ready to live with him hence the counseling. 
He is qualified alright but refuses to stick to any job as it makes him feel stressed! 
Every two months he runs back home from work and wants his parents to solve his problem like they did every time he refused to go to school.

28 years old Anjali does not want to go back to her one-year-old marriage because it is too much for her to work in the office and then look after the household. 
She wants her mother to come and live with her and do the household work.

There are many others... but all originating in overzealous parents wanting to protect their children from even the smallest discomfort in childhood. 

You love them alright, but when you shield them from the adversities of life, what you are doing is bringing them up in a sterile environment. 

The result: the moment they are exposed to the world their immunity buckles up and they stand threadbare wanting to run away from everything that is anything but comfortable.

They have to live in this very world and away from you. Do you really love them?  Or do you love yourself more? 

If it is them, then you would ensure to make them future ready- let them face, talk to them, provide support, but let them face housework, studies, bullying and adversities. 

Tell them money is limited and let them learn to hear a lot of ‘NO’.

That’s what makes them 'FUTURE READY'.

Dr. Sapna Sharma

*********

🚩Two Government engineers, were standing at the base of a flagpole, looking up.

A woman walked by and asked what they were doing.

'We're supposed to find the height of the flagpole', said one, 'But we don't have a ladder.'

The woman said, 'Hand me that wrench out of your toolbox.'

She loosened a few bolts, then laid the pole down.

She then took  measuring tape from their toolbox, took the  measurement and announced, 'Eighteen feet, six inches' and walked away.

The second engineer shook his head and laughed and said.

'We need the height and she gave us the length!'

Both the engineers  are still working for the Government.

*********

भारतीय नारी एक साथ 10 परिवार 
 का टेंशन लेके चलती है 
 -.-
 -.-
 -.-
 -.-
 एक उनका खुद का 
बाकि 
7 टीवी सीरियल के
और
2 पडोसी का.....😂😂😂

*********

1 Ladka Pepsi Samne Rakh
Ke
Udas Baita
Tha
.
.
Dost aaya Pepsi Pee liya
aur pucha
Yaar
tu Udaas Q Hai......??
..
Dost bola Yaar Aaj ka Din
hi Bura
hai.
.
.
Subah GF Se Jhagda Ho
gaya,
Raste Me Car Kharab Ho
gayi.
0ffice Late Pahuncha To
Boss ne
Naukri Se
Nikal Diya.
.
.
Ab Suicide K Liye Pepsi Me
ZAHER
Milaya
Wo Bhi tu Pee Gya..
..
🙃🙃🙃🙃

*********

I drove my secretary home after she had had a little too much to drink at our office party.
Although nothing had happened, I decided not to mention it to wife, who being a suspicious person, could be very jealous.
Later that night, my wife and I were driving home in the car when I spotted a single high-heeled shoe under her seat.
When she wasn't looking, I picked up the shoe and tossed it out of the window.
Later, as we got out of the car at home, my wife asked, "Honey, have you seen my other shoe?"
Life of a husband is so difficult.

*********

*🍒The 4 Look- ‘Look’ Back and get Experience, 'Look’ Forward and see Hope ! ‘Look’ Around and find Reality !  ‘Look’ Within and find confidence !*
💦💧💦💧💦🎉💦💧💦💧💦
*🌹जीत और हार के बीच में डर, जों हार से डर गया समझो जीत हार गयी, जो हार से नहीं डरा जीत -जीत गयी! कठ्नाई को कठ्नाई मत समझो, विरोध करने की शक्ती भी रखो, सम्झोतावादी मत बनो!*
💦💧💦💧💦🎉💦💧💦💧💦
*🌷जब लोग किसी को पसंद करते हैं, तो उसकी बुराईयाँ भूल जाते हैं; और जब किसी से नफरत करते हैं, तो उसकी अच्छाईयां भूल जाते हैं!*
💦💧💦💧💦🎉💦💧💦💧💦
*🌺A NICE SAYING- If u wait to b happy, You’ll wait forever!  But if u start to b happy, you’ll b happy forever!  KEEP SMILING! ”*
💦💧💦💧💦🎉💦💧💦💧💦


*********

This message may change one's attitude !

Do read it  !!

1. Name the 5 wealthiest people in the world.

2. Name the last 5 winners of the  Miss  Universe.

3. Name the last 10 people who won the Nobel Prize for Physics. 

How did you do?
.
.
.

.
.
.
The point is, none of us remembers the headlines of yesterday !!

Even though these people must be the best in their fields !!

Applause dies !!

Awards are tarnished and 
achievements
are forgotten .....!!

Here's another quiz:

Let's see how this goes: 

1. Name 5 Teachers who added your journey through school.

2. Name 5 friends who helped you through  difficult times.

3. Name 5 people who taught you something worthwhile.

4. Name 5 people who make you feel special.

5. Name 5 People you enjoy spending time with.
.
.
.
. 
.
.

Easier.....right?😊 

The people who make a difference in your life are NOT the ones with prestigeous awards and loads of money !!

Life is full of ordinary people who have made the world a better place for you !!

Cherish them !!

Hold Them Tight !!

*Perhaps sometimes it's 'Special' to be 'Ordinary' !!!*
😊😊

*********

*_--In the interview by *Paul Bradshaw* with *Rick Warren,*_

Rick said:
*--People ask me, What is the purpose of life?*

*--And I respond:*
In a nutshell, life is preparation for eternity. We were not made to last forever, and God wants us to be with Him in Heaven.

--One day my heart is going to stop, and that will be the *end of my body*-- but not the *end of me.*

--I may live *60 to 100 years on earth*, but I am going to spend *trillions of years in eternity.*
This is the warm-up act --the dress rehearsal. God wants us to practice on earth what we will do forever in eternity..

--We were made by *God and for God*, and until you figure that out, life isn't going to *make sense.*

--Life is a series of problems: 
*Either you are in one now,* OR *you're just coming out of one,* OR *you're getting ready to go into another one.*

--The reason for this is that *God is more interested* in *your character* than *your comfort;* God is more interested in making *your life holy* than He is in making *your life happy.*

--We can be *reasonably happy* here on earth, but that's not *the goal of life.* The goal is to grow in *character, in the prophet (saw) likeness.*

--No matter how *good* things are in your life, there is always something *bad* that *needs to be worked on.*

--And no matter how *bad* things are in your life, there is always something *good* you can *thank God* for.

--You can focus on *your purposes*, or you can focus on *your problems:*

--If you focus on your problems, you're going into *self-centeredness*, which is my problem, my issues, my pain. *But one of the easiest ways to get rid of pain is to get your focus off yourself and onto God and others.*

--We need to ask ourselves: Am I going to live for possessions? Popularity?

--Am I going to be driven by pressures? Guilt? Bitterness? Materialism?  am I going to be driven by God's purposes (for my life)?

--When I get up in the morning, I sit on the side of my bed and say, God, if I don't get anything else done today, *I want to know You more and love You better.*

God didn't put me on earth just to fulfill *a to-do list.* He's more interested in *what I am* than *what I do.*

--That's why we're called *human beings*, not *human doings.*

--Happy moments, *PRAISE GOD.*
--Difficult moments, *SEEK GOD.*
--Quiet moments, *WORSHIP GOD.*
--Painful moments, *TRUST GOD.*
--Every moment, *THANK GOD.*

*********

FINAL LAW EXAM PAPER (extracted from a real exam)

A woman was driving an old Volvo car when she mistakenly hit a 2016 Range Rover.

The lady came out from her Range Rover insulting the other lady for not being careful, asking her to repair her Range Rover.

The woman with the Volvo called her husband, he replied that he was busy, that she should try fix up things and that they will meet later at home.

The lady with the Range Rover called her boyfriend and said "sweetheart someone just hit the birthday gift you gave me, I am so angry, please come over." 

Few minutes later her boyfriend arrived. Guess what? He is the husband to the lady with the Volvo car.

Discuss the possible legal consequences for all 3 parties.. (20 Marks).

*********

*Temple stairs*

I used to go to the Temple with my mother . The  temple had stairs.
 I used to ask her why can't they build the temple on the ground? Why do you have to climb the stairs each and everyday?

*The excellent answer by mother.*

         You need to rise above your level to reach God.
        Each step of the stairs is a reminder that you are rising above your level in terms of your envy, greed, anger, ego and all evil parts of your life. 
           It also suggests that you have to climb the steps one by one, you can't just jump off from first step to the last step. 
That is the cycle of life, once you conquer these aspects, you reach towards your inner core self- The divine YOU🙂....

*********

Husband and his wife were celebrating 50 years together. Their three kids, all very successful, all agreed to a Sunday dinner in their honour.

"Happy Anniversary Mom and Dad" gushed son number one, a surgeon, "Sorry I'm running late. I had an emergency at the hospital with a patient, you know how it is, and didn't have time to get you a gift."

"Not to worry" said the father, the important thing is that we're all together today."

Son number two, a lawyer, arrived and announced "You and Mom look great Dad. I just flew in from Los Angeles between depositions and didn't have time to shop for you".

"It's nothing," said the father. "We're glad you were able to come."

Just then the daughter, a marketing executive, arrived. "Hello and Happy Anniversary! I'm sorry but my boss is sending me out of town and I was really busy packing, so I didn't have time to get you anything."

After they finished dessert, the father said, "There's something your mother and I have wanted to tell you for a long time.You see, we were very poor. Despite this, we were able to send each of you to college. Throughout the years your mother and I knew we loved each other very much, but we just never found the time to get married."

The three children gasped and all said, "You mean we're bastards?"

"Yep," said the father, "and cheap ones too...!" 😃😃😃

*********

Arz hai....

machhar ne aapko kata.... ye uska junun  tha

wa wa wa wa

machhar ne aapko kata ye uska junun tha.....
😳😳😳
phir aapne vaha khujaya ye aapka sukun tha....
😅😅
chah kar bhi aap use maar nahi paye....
👏
gaur farmaiye huzur

chah kar bhi aap use maar nahi paye....
👏👏

kyoki uski rago me aapkahi khun tha..😝😝😝😝😝

*********

Just this morning, wife called.
She was crying.
She said sorry to me.
While crying she also said she will never fight with me.
She will always listen to me. 
She will do whatever I tell her to do.
I was overwhelmed listening to all this.
Don't know whose wife she was !
It was a wrong number, 
but the feeling was great...!!
😜😜😁😂

*********

*🌹Life Is Like A Flute It May Have Many Holes And Emptiness But If U Work On It Carefully, It Will Play Magical Melodies...!*
💦💧💦💧💦💙💦💧💦💧💦
*💐If We can not find the brighter side of life.....let us Polish the darker side of it....!   Attitude of adjustment is the best instrument to live a life.*
💦💧💦💧💦💙💦💧💦💧💦
*🌷A nice message written on a Balloon which was flying high up in the sky: " It is not what is OUTSIDE,  But what is INSIDE that takes you to the top".*
💦💧💦💧💦💙💦💧💦💧💦
*🌺As Cold Water And Warm Iron Take Away The Wrinkles Of The Cloth, A Cool Mind And Warm Heart Takes Out The Worries Of Life..!*

*********



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